The scene: The Husband is downstairs in the basement with his brand new and very expensive air rifle. He has it topped off with the latest most expensive optics. He’s had the rifle for 3 days and has been in the basement tweaking it to the peak of perfection. He’s getting one-hole groups at 10 meters, but something doesn’t seem quite right to him. He’s been in the basement every waking hour for the three days that he’s owned the air rifle. His wife aka SWMBO (“she who must be obeyed)”) didn’t see the air rifle arrive three days ago and has no idea that it exits. The curtain opens for us as the Husband fires his last shot for a ten-shot group.
SWMBO: (Walks down the basement stairs with a cup of coffee in her hands.) Hi honey, you’ve been working so hard that I thought I’d bring you a cup of coffee.
Husband: Thanks Sweetheart. You’re really good to me. What would I do without you?
SWMBO: Probably the same as you are now. You seem to spend more time with your air rifles than you do with me. Don’t you love me anymore?
Husband: I’m sorry Buttercup. I promise to do better in the future. (Walks over to SWMBO, hugs her and kisses her passionately on the lips – smart move).
SWMBO: Wow! I ought to bring you coffee more often. What are you doing anyway?
Husband: I’ve got this rifle that doesn’t seem to be behaving properly.
SWMBO: (For once, she seems interested in the Husband’s hobby). Oh, what’s wrong with it?
Husband: (Is practically giddy over the possibility that his lovely SWMBO may be taking an interest in shooting. He gets excited and shows her the targets) Look at the difference between these targets. Do you see how the shot groups are getting bigger?
SWMBO: Gee, my handsome Stud-muffin, I can’t see any difference. They all look the same size to me.
Husband: Ah but Lamb-Chop, to the naked eye they look the same but look through this magnifying glass and measure the groups with the calipers.
SWMBO: But Lover-Boy, you know I don’t know how to use… what did you call them again?
Husband: Calipers, they’re called calipers, my little Rose.
SWMBO: What do these calipers do, Dreamboat?
Husband: They measure objects down to the thousandth of an inch. Look here, I have made a spreadsheet on the computer to show the difference in the groups over the last three days.
SWMBO: Is that what you’ve been doing down here, shooting your air rifle for the past three days, my big bad Romeo?
Husband: Well not exactly, Sugar Dumpling, I’ve been adjusting the torque settings on the stock screws and compared them to the size of the groups with different pellets.
SWMBO: “Tourque” settings? That sounds absolutely kinky, Big-Daddy.
Husband: Oh I can assure you that it’s nothing of the sort. (SWMBO frowns but Husband doesn’t see it as he’s pulling up the spreadsheet on the computer).
SWMBO: (Leans over the Husband so he can smell her new perfume and kisses him on the cheek and nibbles him on the ear.) (In a seductive tone) Tell me more my big hunk of love.
Husband: (Can’t take a hint if it was a ton of bricks dropped on his head from a three-story building) Look here Sweetheart, the shot group when it was brand new was .180 inches at ten meters, now it’s .200 at the same distance.
SWMBO: What?!?!? You got a brand-new air rifle!
Husband: (The ton of bricks has just landed, and a panicked look comes over his face). Ah but ah…. Buttercup, I’ve only had this rifle for a little while.
SWMBO: How much is a little while?
Husband: That sounds like somebody at the door. I better answer it. It might be the UPS man.
SWMBO: I didn’t hear anything. What would the UPS man be delivering here? I didn’t order anything? (she pauses then smiles) Ah, Sugar Daddy, you remembered! I love you. (SWMBO gives oblivious Husband a big hug).
Husband: (Looks even more panicked stricken and is speechless.)
SWMBO: Oh darling, you look upset. Oh no, I’m sorry, I’m so insensitive. You got me what I’ve always wanted for my birthday today and you didn’t want to spoil the surprise. That’s okay, my Naughty Boy, I’ll act surprised when you give it to me tonight after the special dinner that I’m going to make for you. Do you forgive me for spoiling your surprise?
Husband: (Another ton of bricks has landed and this time his head is about to explode, and he can’t think fast enough). Oh well, uhm, ah, well you know….
SWMBO: Oh Honey, don’t act so modest and unselfish. I will still be just as happy as ever. I won’t spoil the moment anymore for you. Why don’t you go upstairs and get my present from the UPS man then hide it from me until tonight?
Husband: Well my little Turtle-Dove, the UPS box isn’t for you.
SWMBO: (Tear wells up in her eye) Oh, it’s another air rifle.
Husband: Well, yes but it’s not for me (he says lying through his teeth with crossed fingers behind his back).
SWMBO: (more tears and sniffling) Well then, who’s it for?
Husband: It’s for my boss. He is into air rifles just like me. Only his wife isn’t as loving and understanding about his hobby like you are with me. You see, Honey-Bunch, a lot of women aren’t as compassionate, loving, understanding and caring as you are. They won’t let their husbands leave the house without lots of questions and demands. You’re an absolute angel compared to them.
SWMBO: (Begins to smile through the tears) But I still don’t understand why your boss has his air rifle sent here instead of his place.
Husband: He doesn’t want his wife to find out.
SWMBO: So, you’re helping your boss lie to his wife? (frown on face – tears all gone)
Husband: Not exactly. Well, ah, you see… well you know… but, well uhm… He’s going to sell his old air rifle before he brings another one into the house.
SWMBO: Then why didn’t he buy the new rifle after he sold the old one?
Husband: The new rifle was on sale and he wanted to get it at a good price. You understand about sales, don’t you?
SWMBO: Oh, I do now. You’re going to keep the rifle while he’s in the process of selling the old one.
Husband: Yes. That’s correct. I’m glad you are such an understanding wife my Love-Bunny!
SWMBO: Gee, Darling, I’m so lucky to have an honest Husband like you that I can always trust! (Gives Husband another big hug and passionate kiss). Oh, but I’ve been another idiot again. I’ve spoiled the surprise that you had for me today. I’m so sorry.
Husband: Well I didn’t exactly get you a surprise…
SWMBO: (Tears well up again and lower lip begins to quiver)
Husband: My surprise was to, well uhm, you know, uhm… Take you to the most expensive restaurant in town then shopping all day tomorrow and get you whatever you want!
SWMBO: Anything!?!?!?
Husband: Well, Muffin-Cake, you know we still have a budget to maintain but no sacrifice is too big for you.
SWMBO: (Give Husband another big hug and passionate kiss) Ooooh Sugar-Daddy! Am I gonna make sweet love to you after dinner tonight! I’m going to go out and buy a new dress right now for dinner tonight. Is your wallet upstairs in the bedroom? I need the credit card for the new dress, oh and shoes to! (Doesn’t wait for answer but hurries up the steps)
Husband: (Tears well up in eyes and lower lip begins to quiver)
Curtains close….
SWMBO: (Walks down the basement stairs with a cup of coffee in her hands.) Hi honey, you’ve been working so hard that I thought I’d bring you a cup of coffee.
Husband: Thanks Sweetheart. You’re really good to me. What would I do without you?
SWMBO: Probably the same as you are now. You seem to spend more time with your air rifles than you do with me. Don’t you love me anymore?
Husband: I’m sorry Buttercup. I promise to do better in the future. (Walks over to SWMBO, hugs her and kisses her passionately on the lips – smart move).
SWMBO: Wow! I ought to bring you coffee more often. What are you doing anyway?
Husband: I’ve got this rifle that doesn’t seem to be behaving properly.
SWMBO: (For once, she seems interested in the Husband’s hobby). Oh, what’s wrong with it?
Husband: (Is practically giddy over the possibility that his lovely SWMBO may be taking an interest in shooting. He gets excited and shows her the targets) Look at the difference between these targets. Do you see how the shot groups are getting bigger?
SWMBO: Gee, my handsome Stud-muffin, I can’t see any difference. They all look the same size to me.
Husband: Ah but Lamb-Chop, to the naked eye they look the same but look through this magnifying glass and measure the groups with the calipers.
SWMBO: But Lover-Boy, you know I don’t know how to use… what did you call them again?
Husband: Calipers, they’re called calipers, my little Rose.
SWMBO: What do these calipers do, Dreamboat?
Husband: They measure objects down to the thousandth of an inch. Look here, I have made a spreadsheet on the computer to show the difference in the groups over the last three days.
SWMBO: Is that what you’ve been doing down here, shooting your air rifle for the past three days, my big bad Romeo?
Husband: Well not exactly, Sugar Dumpling, I’ve been adjusting the torque settings on the stock screws and compared them to the size of the groups with different pellets.
SWMBO: “Tourque” settings? That sounds absolutely kinky, Big-Daddy.
Husband: Oh I can assure you that it’s nothing of the sort. (SWMBO frowns but Husband doesn’t see it as he’s pulling up the spreadsheet on the computer).
SWMBO: (Leans over the Husband so he can smell her new perfume and kisses him on the cheek and nibbles him on the ear.) (In a seductive tone) Tell me more my big hunk of love.
Husband: (Can’t take a hint if it was a ton of bricks dropped on his head from a three-story building) Look here Sweetheart, the shot group when it was brand new was .180 inches at ten meters, now it’s .200 at the same distance.
SWMBO: What?!?!? You got a brand-new air rifle!
Husband: (The ton of bricks has just landed, and a panicked look comes over his face). Ah but ah…. Buttercup, I’ve only had this rifle for a little while.
SWMBO: How much is a little while?
Husband: That sounds like somebody at the door. I better answer it. It might be the UPS man.
SWMBO: I didn’t hear anything. What would the UPS man be delivering here? I didn’t order anything? (she pauses then smiles) Ah, Sugar Daddy, you remembered! I love you. (SWMBO gives oblivious Husband a big hug).
Husband: (Looks even more panicked stricken and is speechless.)
SWMBO: Oh darling, you look upset. Oh no, I’m sorry, I’m so insensitive. You got me what I’ve always wanted for my birthday today and you didn’t want to spoil the surprise. That’s okay, my Naughty Boy, I’ll act surprised when you give it to me tonight after the special dinner that I’m going to make for you. Do you forgive me for spoiling your surprise?
Husband: (Another ton of bricks has landed and this time his head is about to explode, and he can’t think fast enough). Oh well, uhm, ah, well you know….
SWMBO: Oh Honey, don’t act so modest and unselfish. I will still be just as happy as ever. I won’t spoil the moment anymore for you. Why don’t you go upstairs and get my present from the UPS man then hide it from me until tonight?
Husband: Well my little Turtle-Dove, the UPS box isn’t for you.
SWMBO: (Tear wells up in her eye) Oh, it’s another air rifle.
Husband: Well, yes but it’s not for me (he says lying through his teeth with crossed fingers behind his back).
SWMBO: (more tears and sniffling) Well then, who’s it for?
Husband: It’s for my boss. He is into air rifles just like me. Only his wife isn’t as loving and understanding about his hobby like you are with me. You see, Honey-Bunch, a lot of women aren’t as compassionate, loving, understanding and caring as you are. They won’t let their husbands leave the house without lots of questions and demands. You’re an absolute angel compared to them.
SWMBO: (Begins to smile through the tears) But I still don’t understand why your boss has his air rifle sent here instead of his place.
Husband: He doesn’t want his wife to find out.
SWMBO: So, you’re helping your boss lie to his wife? (frown on face – tears all gone)
Husband: Not exactly. Well, ah, you see… well you know… but, well uhm… He’s going to sell his old air rifle before he brings another one into the house.
SWMBO: Then why didn’t he buy the new rifle after he sold the old one?
Husband: The new rifle was on sale and he wanted to get it at a good price. You understand about sales, don’t you?
SWMBO: Oh, I do now. You’re going to keep the rifle while he’s in the process of selling the old one.
Husband: Yes. That’s correct. I’m glad you are such an understanding wife my Love-Bunny!
SWMBO: Gee, Darling, I’m so lucky to have an honest Husband like you that I can always trust! (Gives Husband another big hug and passionate kiss). Oh, but I’ve been another idiot again. I’ve spoiled the surprise that you had for me today. I’m so sorry.
Husband: Well I didn’t exactly get you a surprise…
SWMBO: (Tears well up again and lower lip begins to quiver)
Husband: My surprise was to, well uhm, you know, uhm… Take you to the most expensive restaurant in town then shopping all day tomorrow and get you whatever you want!
SWMBO: Anything!?!?!?
Husband: Well, Muffin-Cake, you know we still have a budget to maintain but no sacrifice is too big for you.
SWMBO: (Give Husband another big hug and passionate kiss) Ooooh Sugar-Daddy! Am I gonna make sweet love to you after dinner tonight! I’m going to go out and buy a new dress right now for dinner tonight. Is your wallet upstairs in the bedroom? I need the credit card for the new dress, oh and shoes to! (Doesn’t wait for answer but hurries up the steps)
Husband: (Tears well up in eyes and lower lip begins to quiver)
Curtains close….
